JEFF MAY, Motivational Speaker - "If you want different, do different; You're the change!"
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Single By Choice or Choices?

Recent studies and polls report that nearly 70 percent of Black women are single.  Are many of these women single by choice or have the choices they’ve made kept them single?
           All around us we are hearing the anthems of “all the single ladies” and “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T” women, but are all these ladies choosing the single life or have personal decisions and choices granted this lifestyle to them?
            From Oprah to CNN, the story is the same.  70 percent of black women are single while other figures report that 42 percent of them are unmarried. 
            For the record, I am not a fan of statistics.  Sometimes there are just too many factors that go into statistics to really consider them concrete.  However, the large disparity within the number of single-unmarried black women compared to anyone else can not just be written off or ignored.
            Furthermore, amidst all of the statistical data, theories and ideologies, the one thing that I can not find in examining this issue is a real answer.
          Maybe one thought that has to be explored is this: Are the choices made by some black women keeping them alone?
            Most women will attest that they don’t need a man to be happy.  Many will say that they are single by choice, however with a little research, some humility and a substantial amount of fallacy-shattering truth; we will find that this is not always the case.
            While we can admit that there are some Black women who prefer to be single, there are some who have simply been unable to adjust to being alone and have settled for expired clichés to remedy the sting of loneliness.
            If we are to be really honest about this dialogue, we have to consider that all black men are not inadequate.  All are not in prison.  All are not allergic to work or responsibility.
            The truth is that maybe changing the negative way Black women CHOOSE to look at men could go a long way in lowering this 70 percent statistic.
            Maybe for some, changing the pool in which they CHOOSE to draw their male candidates from could be of a greater benefit and being able to identify as well as effectively articulate what you want and are looking for is also paramount to a change in circumstance.
            Many women must realize that CHOOSING to be argumentative, bitter or selfish is probably not a great way to get a man to pop the question or stick around.
            CHOOSING to be overly-guarded, mistrusting and suspicious of every new man, because of the old man is maybe not a good way to go about finding that special someone.
 CHOOSING to become a prized pupil of a person who is just as single, hurt and unhappy as you are is probably not a great way to gain knowledge about a fruitful and happy relationship.
Most importantly, CHOOSING not to live by the same expectations you are ready to impose on your mate is a sure-fire recipe for loneliness.
            Now, for those that CHOOSE not to alter the way they go about things are in some regards CHOOSING to remain by themselves.
            In a relationship it is vital to compromise how you do things, while remaining true to who you are.  This is by no means an easy feat however neither is maintaining a healthy and rewarding relationship.
            While we have not had many real answers to the question of why this statistic is so high, if we honestly asked ourselves if we have chosen wisely within our quest for love and appreciation, we will be off to a great start in changing some of the circumstances within our own lives.
            What do you think?  Why is there such a large number of beautiful, qualified and available Black Women single within our society?
You’re the Change

2 Comments to Single By Choice or Choices?:

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Mellisa Diane on Saturday, January 01, 2011 7:54 AM
I found this topic very Interesting Jeff. I was glad to see you pointed out how one's profession of virtues toward another individual can cause loneliness, if in essence they don't possess or impose those same virtues or rules inwardly. I think loneliness does boil down to hypocrisy in one way or another. I would have to say I think the men are just as guilty for the choices they make and just as lonely. Men need that same compassion and companionship that women seek. I just pray people can allow themselves to truly love and be loved. Thank you so much for sharing your blog.
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Kia Freeman on Sunday, January 02, 2011 11:11 PM
Why is there such a large number of beautiful, qualified and available Black Women single within our society? One good reason that intelligent, independent, God-fearing women like myself are still single despite our desire to marry and have families is that the numbers are against us. It's a generally accepted fact that there are fewer single men in churches, fewer single men in college, and fewer single black men than women and there are far too many young black men in jail or with felonies. These days finding a man with a valid driver's license is a challenge. I am one black woman who has been blessed to have education, no kids, my own home, a good job, no felonies, and a relationship with God and I don't know too many single men who can say the same. I've accepted that I may end up with a man who has done time, has kids, and doesn't have education because I know that relationship with God and being an independent, responsible man are the only qualities that really matter, but is it fair that I should have to make those allowances because too many brothers are out there screwing up (or just screwing) instead of bettering themselves??? I don't seek out the losers who have crossed my path but the losers appear to be the majority so, again, the numbers are against us. I don't intend to use that as an excuse to give up on God or all men but I also won't blame myself for being single. I will continue to work on myself and my relationship with God and know that the rarity of the kind of man I expect God to bring me will make him that much more precious to me and me that much more precious to him!
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